Be your own guide.
It is in reading for others, when their eyes fill with tears and they shake their heads in agreement or when they laugh out of discomfort for being exposed-it is there that I feel comfort wash over me. It’s there that I renew my confidence in being a reader because I know what it feels like to have spirit enter into my thoughts and begin to speak through me. It is always a moment of clarity and of feeling like my purpose is exposed and with it, in those particular moments, I have used it in service of supporting someone else. But when I do a reading for myself…all that flies out the window.
I have been using a new Oracle deck to read for myself and I do this because of the way their energy rushed over me the first time that I held them. When I read Tarot, I read almost exclusively by intuition-meaning I don’t ever read that little book it comes with. Oracle decks are different. The artist and the writer of these amazing tools have imprinted a very specific message onto these cards. The essence of each, remains the same, but differs in the location and orientation of its presence. So I pay attention to that guide.
I am reading a lot of instagram posts with a “card of the day” and I’m posting those myself as well, but I want to dig a little deeper into learning how to read for yourself. So, I think the best way to do that is to write about my own readings and how the messages come through for me…and where my ego tries, and sometimes succeeds, in stepping in to fuck it all up.
I’ll leave out the backstory in order to keep this less than a novel. This morning I asked for guidance and understanding on a business venture that I have been toying with for years. It’s the business of yoga. Please READ that I am speaking of the BUSINESS of yoga-teaching in a way that serves the practice to others, but also pays my bills so that I can continue to teach. Every yoga teacher knows this struggle. I pulled three cards, one to show me my past in the business of yoga, one for the present and one for the future.
I’m doing this reading today because I had planned to start digging in to this venture this morning and like always, there’s a hesitation that I don’t fully understand.
Card One-the Past, “The Mystical Shaman”
Holding this card, the energy shows me ancient wisdom being given a new life and taken out into the world. It reminds me of my most precious teachers and of the authenticity and tradition of the practice that I completely fell in love with.
The card INVITATION says, “You’re invited to consider living without attachment. You are called to create and dream your life, to act on inspiration and divine impulse without fixating on a known story of success and achievement…Who would you become if you stopped telling the tales that have defined you up until now? You do not have to live in a story that has roots in the past.” -These are the pieces that shout the most. The essence of the card tells the story of my past relationship with Yoga, but then the rest explains it a little better or -what to do with it now.
*I have always felt that if there’s anything I am good at, it’s teachng yoga. I have ten years behind me and I truly love being able to help others ease into the practice so that they can just FEEL BETTER. Mainstream yoga and Dharma and the expectation of it all has beaten me into hating the practice on more than one occasion. I step away, regroup and usually come back to it. It’s been a year now and although my body is screaming for the practice itself, the thought of teaching again, really does not make me happy. -Why can’t I let that statement right there, just be all I need to hear? -Because I can easily step back into teaching and it is more likely to bring money in quickly.
Card Two-the Present, “The Circle” -Reversed
This card spoke to me of community and oneness right away. It felt simple in its message as “We are all One” SHOULD be a simple concept. This card comes to me reversed this morning which means that it is offering me a medicine. “…you’re meant to come to an understanding of the importance of decay and letting go, the importance of dying to an old form and being reborn anew…Love will seek itself again, prosperity will come from a new idea or opportunity, and Spirit always waits for you to find your place in the dance again.”
*Huh. I mean what can I say that explains that any better? I’m to let go of this idea. Two weeks ago, I sat outside and made a couple of yoga videos to just feel it out. When I was finished, I practiced myself a little and then pulled a card right then and there on my mat. It basically said to STOP before any further damage is done. Now, it could have been talking about my Chataranga that morning, but it didn’t feel that literal.
So, this is twice now that I have been told-NOPE-this is not the way. This is not the idea and this is not your path. Why do I keep asking? ecause when I mention it to others they are so supportive of the idea. They tell me I’ll be great and they are excited to watch it unfold. They immediately co-sign my idea because they think it’ll make me happy. OR-they are tired of me talking about it. HA!
Card Three-The Future, “Wild Woman”
Holding this card makes me want to climb into it and be here. Grounded and connected to absolutely everything around her, but dancing between the worlds, to the beat of her own drum and spreading magick and love and healing on everything she touches.
“When the Wild Woman comes to dance in your reading, you’re invited to shine brightly and to know that your true self is being called out to engage the world. This is a symbol that your long held dream is beginning to take root and wants to be expressed. Your authentic self does not fit in a box; it needs freedom to shine. It’s time to have courage to step into the light. The wild Woman says, “Shine brightly, dance with abandon, be yourself, and let the Great Spirit decide what happens.” You’ll be happy you did. “
*Freedom and Authenticity were the first words I heard when I held this card and if I could choose two elements of my future self-those would be it. I’m not afraid to work hard, I’m just afraid to make a decision on WHAT to work hard for. Even as I sit here tapping away on my keys, I know what that is-I’m just fearful of soemthing. Success, Failure-who knows. But if I truly want to dance to my own drumming, would I really care about the outcome of it all? Would I need anything more than just that feeling of being true to myself and following my chosen path? I love yoga, it changed my life and I have seen it change the lives of so many…but it is no longer my gift to give. It’s time to keep what I have learned for my own practice and search my other gifts to find my calling-the one that speaks to my spirit and sets my soul on fire.
SO, how do we find that inner call to drum and dance and BE who we are meant to? The Virgo in me says to make a list and pro and con the fuck out of it and then deliberate and talk to some people….but my Sagittarius says to feel it, it’s the first thought-the flutter in the belly and the flush of the skin….feel it, see it….set it on fire and dance around it’s flames.
My advice on being your own guide? LISTEN. Don't just read and feel the cards, listen to how their messages make you feel. Does your Spirit stir or become uncomfortable? BE honest. And when something really resonates, condense it into a mantra or a statement and write that shit on a post-it and put it on your mirror. Don't let it fade away and don't analyze it to the point of watering down the feeling you first felt about it...that's what I do too often. When Spirit sends us a message, they whisper before they shout..don't let the shouting be a message of "its too late".
What is the deepest rooted dream that I can remember? Being a writer…so Thank you for reading!