The Vision Quest
It wasn’t always this way, placing my hands upon something and feeling an energy rise inside of me. I admit, it used to happen a lot more frequently-back when I was so connected to everything around me. I had to be. My life was slowly unraveling and trying to ignore it was difficult so I went within. I found a new path, a spiritual practice that spoke to every inch of my soul. At that time, I could see and feel life in absolutely everything. I remember trying to teach my son to feel the energy in the walls in his room during a thunderstorm. He understood then, but he’s in a self discovery place now so I wouldn’t dare ask!
Enter a life phase of divorce and guilt, fears manifested and learning how to fight them on my own. This was when my connection was the strongest, but then…I fell in love again-enter new fears, new guilt and the stress/excitement of drowning myself in that new comfort. Then there was so much love and happiness that even though spirituality was literally what brought us together, we were so involved with each other. Things were beautiful and then hard and then so much change to deal with it, I lost myself in the whirlwind of it all.
Now, I’m finding my way back…
Two days ago I received a new Oracle deck in the mail. It wasn’t very expensive and that worried me that the quality would be less than desirable but I was pleasantly incorrect.
I felt the deck as a whole and then moved through each card looking at the artwork and whispering the name. I could feel them fresh out of the box, un-cleansed and unaware of what our connection may be. I was emotional by the time I went through all of the cards and I clutched the deck to my heart with a grin across my face. Later that night I laid them all out on my table outside and smudged them with white sage. I spoke in a whisper to each and every one and to them as a collective vessel, my direct line to spirit and as this deck now has me referring to my guides as, The Ancient Ones. The wind picked up and blew my hair off my shoulders, only slightly moving the cards, letting me know that I am being heard and as always watched.
Yesterday morning I read through the guide book which is something that I never do. Each page had me enthralled over the love, care and serious spiritual work that the artists went through to manifest this new tool, new friends of mine.
I decided to have my first reading be one that was suggested in the book, The Hidden Mysteries of the Medicine Wheel. It is a four card spread that shows you two things to let go of and two to notice and keep your eyes on. The fourth card was Vision Quest. It said that I needed to go outside and listen, that there was an important message I needed to hear.
I waited all day and was careful of my food and alcohol consumption so that my mind was not compromised or my body to tired to open up.
Just before bed, I laid in our hammock with the moon in perfect view above my favorite tree, Lilith, a young but tall Ash tree just off of my deck.
I listened and waited, sometimes closing my eyes and sometimes zoning my vision out to blur so the only thing that I could see was the moon. After some time, I realized that there was still too much in me that was asleep. I chose not to be sad or frustrated, but to recognize that I had so much work to do to get back to who I once was spiritually.
I stood up and wrapped the grey knit blanket I was sitting on around my shoulders and walked to the edge of the deck. I held my hand out to cradle one of Lilith’s branches and say goodnight. As soon as I touched her, a voice echoed through my chest…
“I see you. We are here. You are not alone.”
I filled my lungs with air and smiled as I looked up at the moon now cascading through Lilith’s branches and allowed the moment to sink in, to swirl within me full of excitement and calm. I had not been abandoned. Even when lost, I am seen.
When we fall off of our path, it’s only because we are craving something new or something more. Sometimes we wander away because old habits and traumas and thoughts creep back in to test us. Sometimes its too much and we step away from the work to find rest or comfort. Sometimes we run so far from ourselves because we blame the work that we have done for opening us back up to allow that hurt or those lessons to come back in. This is growth. This is life. This is why we are here. Our lessons learned return to test us and make us stronger. I am in a test period and I recently told my wife, “I have been abandoned by God.” I don’t know if I truly meant it, but I had been reaching out and nobody was picking up on the other end.
Until last night.
Life ebbs and flows, it is a journey full of lessons and tests. Don’t give up on yourself. Don’t give up on your higher power and keep talking to trees.